Phake (Hinglish for Fake)

I watched IPL cricket matches this year, and sort of this amazing fact struck me. There are many foreign players playing for us, which means India could pay them so that they prefer IPL to their local county etc... matches. Whatever it is, it is coming from some industrialist in India. Great, India has money in at least some pockets :-)

Also, I was aware of big software companies which are looking for Indian customers. That's another great news. And someone reported that BRIC countries, Brazil/Russia/India/China, will become top of the world economic forces by 2050, India being the first. Whether our politicians allow such an abnormality to happen or not, is to be seen though :-(

After all these I have thought of an easy "crash course" for all those foreigners visiting India. After all, "Know Thy Customer", is one of the most basic business commandments, right? And I am sick of all those NRIs carrying water-bottles, dying their hair, talking with a heavy american accent, regardless of how much time they were in (or not in :-)) USA. Some of the extremes of this "crash course" are reserved for them.

So, the crash course consists of the following:

1) Get familiar with Indian roads, very very important.
2) Know Hinglish and be fluent in it, along with all vernacular-isms here.
3) Expect Desi outings, not american style.
a) Do not expect outings to have beer etc... served, it might be desi bhang or something.
b) No DJ dances, and Briteny songs, just desi tamil/punjabi tunes.
c) No hi-fi games, just the Kabaddi and all local stuff only.
4) Eat Indian food, when in India, and most importantly, stop complaining.
5) Have a little exam on Indian family relations and clear it. I prefer exams on Hinglish as well.

Before people say this is too-much and etc... Come on guys, we are working like them, and why don't we freak-them-out like ourselves? Let's not go ga-ga on becoming american, come on son, give your culture a face-lift! Anyway, we are not colonial India doing export of raw material/only body shopping now, is it? Also, I don't mean people (NRIs) staying there for decades don't have issues with weather here etc..., I am just saying "folks, get used to the folklore here!", remember "Know thy customer".

Okay, the roads part now. Arrgh!!, a manager comes from USA, and you take him to one of those water-parks or amusement parks that gives great thrill!! Are you joking? Come on now, I feel thrill there, but, there are better thrilling places, ok. For example, get to one of those places where road is dug-up and they are building a flyover, from the past decade. Take an auto that is jam packed, and get in. Hold anything that you can grab on to, and go on. That is great thrill man! If you are releasing a supply-chain solution or a simple GPS software for India, God knows how you would do, if you don't know of this thrill.

Now comes the Hinglish. How many foreigners know the meaning of "that much is not there", or "this only" or "that only"? Come on, don't say "I am sorry", "did not get you" etc..., after all "Bro, it ain't got no wrong". When we understand americanisms, please do understand ours. I am also thinking of creating an exam in the TOEFL style, certifying foreigners in Hinglish :-)). If ever in future, we have call centers in USA, working for India, this training would be of great use to them, right. (Wildest imagination, alright)

About company outings? Which movie do all of us like, is it "Inception"? Yes, that is right. Come on, I don't really prefer Inception to my Hindi Shah-Rukh-Khan's Don, would you? Be open there, ok. Just because it got oscars, Slumdog Millionarie does not become the best Indian movie ever made! :-( I would like them westerners to dance to our tunes than we dancing to theirs, come on, put some attitude into it, that's what I am talking about.

And why play those obscure team-building games? Play some local games, like Gilli-Danda, Kabaddi etc... Those build (and break) teams and bones. Give 'em a taste of India, alright. You can play simple stuff like, "leave a foreigner in some village on the highway, and see how he gets back to the resort, asking directions, hitch hiking rides, taking short-cuts". :-)

And get used to the indian menu. Don't complain, we eat burgers and drink coke when in USA, and you should not complain in India either, ok. Now you find something "extremely hot", well, drink lots of water after taking it, no sugars and stuff. No cereals in the morning, only Idly-Sambar and stuff. Come on, let's pretend we (almost) do not have any Cokes and burgers in India, what would you do? Get the idea.

Now comes the relations part. 'What is the "brother's mother-in-law's father's grand-son" to you?' kinda questionnaire. Okay, remember, make no mistakes, India is good in family systems, it ain't like USA, and if you make one mistake when writing a software or marketing it, it would be a very awkward discussion you have there. Face it, and find out the complexities of relations in India. Clear that exam, in the end, something like the Anal section of GRE.

All them foreigners, and especially those "NRIs who hate India", should be subjected to these "norms", before entering India. This is the best way to tell the Phakes apart.